There are a few things in life that I really can't stand, and one of them has to be cheap beer. I have traveled through Milwaukee and the surrounding areas where they brew the swill that keeps America's dysfunction running at fever pitch, but I don't understand how that region became the hotbed for consumable piss.

The town I live in loves its beer. There are several microbrews flourishing throughout the area, and not one of them brews anything remotely close to the crap that bloated podunks revere as the greatest brew on earth.

Not that I've never thrown back a few cans of stale water from Lake Milwaukee—I've been at a few after hours parties where the company was so awful that I slunk off to the corner to drink this free crap and judge people. The company had to be bad, if one opts for some time alone with a Pabst Blue Ribbon.

I love the name Past Blue Ribbon. Does the Blue Ribbon mean that they actually won an award for that crap? If so, I would have loved to be at that contest. Maybe it was just really bad weather out. Nobody else could make it.

"And the winner of the blue ribbon by forfeit is Pabst!"

And isn't a blue ribbon something that you give to a cow or a pig at a fair? Maybe what they're suggesting is that if you drink enough of them, you may just take home a blue ribbon of your own. Draw your own conclusions.

And then there's Miller. "The champagne of beers." How many Millers did those clowns have in their blood stream when they coined that phrase? Obviously the blood alcohol content was still relatively low; they were able to formulate a sentence. (Albeit, not a very good one, though mine aren't any better, so who am I to judge?)

Why can't they just be honest with their marketing? Why snow Joe Public into believing he or she is drinking the finest alcoholic beverage available? Joe Public knows better. Joe knows where it came from, and what it prefers in its choice for alcoholic beverages.

I'd like to see an ad like: "Meister Brau. Yeah, we know it sucks, but you're broke and addicted, so what are you going to do about it."

Or how about Natural Light: ".05 percent more alcohol than O'Douls. It tastes like piss, but it won't smell like it when it passes through your system and onto your sheets."

And the almighty Budweiser: "Looking for a divorce? Come hither."

And Busch: "Head for the mountains. You should be embarrassed to be seen drinking this crap in public."

I firmly believe that honesty is the best policy. Those kinds of ads would make this world of suds a hell of a lot more fun. Establish their place at the very bottom of the beer barrel, and watch their numbers fly. Joe Public knows that the beer they're drinking sucks, so why can't the brewers admit it themselves?

I'm not using this piece as a forum to slam people for their taste in beer, I'm trying to make light of the advertising efforts these companies put forth in an effort to increase awareness of the crap they produce. Drink what you want. I'll be in the corner with a Corona.