I’ve learned that the wholesale clubs such as Sam’s and BJ’s have quite a bit to offer the ADD ridden consumer that is me. It amazes me that I could walk in that place looking for a set of kitchenware, and walk out with a pool table. Do we as consumers really need all these options? My recent pilgrimages to these white trash meccas give me the answers I seek. YES!

When you walk in, don’t hesitate. Give yourself into absolute pleasure. Take the good credit that those nice folks at MBNA issued you, and run it into the ground like the piece of shit Subaru Justy that you call reliable transportation. Need jewelry? They have it. Computer? Hell yeah. CD’s? you got it punk. Carton o’smokes? Tires? Coffeemakers? Yes! Yes! Yes! It’s all there, and available to you at a quantity, wholesale discount.

And then there is my favorite section of all........the food section.

A recent discovery I’ve made is that all food can be prepared frozen. And if you doubt the quality of the cuisine, an 87 year old woman with an iron lung is there to provide you a sample of your delicacy of choice. Fish, chicken, bagel pizzas, and ribs, all frozen, and all FREE! I’ll let you in on a little secret on how to get free lunch. Follow these rules, and you’ll never go hungry again. Who you callin white trash?

Come prepared. Bring three different sets of sunglasses, a few baseball caps, and dig that hypercolor t shirt out the attic. On your first venture to the tables, be yourself. Eat up and thank the corpse for your daily bread. Next trip, jump into character. Put a cap and shades on, and act like an ass. ( I know this is a real strain for some of you, but please, play along). Chew with your mouth open and tell her you wouldn’t feed this poo-poo platter to the boss who fired you, ruined your life and subsequently makes you piss your pants at random. By this time, all the feasting will have changed your body tempature, which will have changed the color of your shirt. Go the camera aisle, grab one, and play the part of the Japanese tourist. Chow down, bow to her in respect, and take her picture. Congratulations, you have a full belly. And you may realize a new career option. Acting. All this character crap has made you get in touch with your sensitive side. Go directly to the pink leotard section and roll with it.

Whatever it is that you desire is at these clubs, and it’s cheap. All naysayers can stay right out, you are not welcome. You simply are not ready to recognize the side of wholesale that you have, or you may be not ready to realize that you could look real sexy in a leotard. Or it could be the fact that you have a prosperous career, you have no need for free lunch, you know you wear a leotard well, and this paper is tissue that lines your litter box. Fine. More food for me. Bon Appetit.