I cleaned and redecorated my apartment yesterday. I know what you’re thinking. Big deal. No, you don’t understand. I’m a 25 year old single white male. I cleaned and redecorated my apartment yesterday!

When it comes to interior decorating, I’m about as useful as my bands van, lovingly titled the Poopship, Not a pretty van, nor reliable. but hey, neither am I. (well, I’m not reliable. wink,wink).

I dug under the sink to find domestic household cleaners with nifty packaging, while in truth, what I needed was some industrial strength apartment enema. 409 stands no chance against my ring around the tub. The ring was so thick and and had been there so long I named him too. Let’s give a shout out to my peeps Ringy and Diversity, the rainbow colored, once green shower curtain.

I started in the kitchen. I dumped a half bottle of Murphy’s oil soap on my linoleum floor. If only I had someone to tell me that crap only works on hardwood floors. I worked hard to clean that floor, and it still looks like ass, and smells like church.

Next project, let’s shake that 4 dollar rug out. Simple task, right? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I’m Shane Kinney.

I take this 8 foot rug outside, lay it out flat, and violently jerk it to get a year’s worth of dirt out of it. Next thing I know, the pebbles propel at my face at 120 miles per hour and hit me so hard it knocked me over. The rug falls into a mud puddle, and I’ll have rocks embedded in my scalp for the next seven months. Rats, Foiled again.

Now, the living room. Ah. This room has a special meaning to me, I’ve spent many lazy Sundays in here trying to recall the previous nights activities. I’ve spent hours making myself feel better by belittling my roommates in this dust laden wasteland. Now, it’s payback time. I’m gonna clean you, my little living room, yes I am!

This project takes approximately 7 hours, because the TV is on, and when the TV is on, so is my girl Britney. Hmmm...... let’s see.......should I empty the ashtrays, or ogle at the most unattainable thing in the world.

As you probably guessed, I chose the latter, and I switched to Pepsi.

I decided to give up on the cleaning, this little palace may not be the cleanest apartment on Munjoy Hill, well, I take that back. It probably is. My neighbors take the Beverly out of the Beverly Hillbillies.

So now, time to decorate. Plants, you say? Art? What tastes could this distinguished young lad bestow upon this beige colored sheetrock? Prepare to be shocked.

You guessed it, posters. You would think that a 25 year old guy would eventually get tired of his apartment looking like a teenagers bedroom, but remarkably, I haven’t yet. They look good next to my oldest friend, Dusty the lava lamp. And where else can you find an Iron Maiden poster next to a Britney poster? Ol’ Britney is right above the computer, smilin’ away, and I can gaze at her midriff while I brainstorm. Not too shabby, huh?

For some reason, it took me two days to write this piece, and my apartment needs another cleaning. Email me if you can help.