“Welcome to Shop and Save! Excuse us for making such a stir!”

These signs have become the bane of my existence. Let me explain. They’re doing some renovations at my local grocery store. Well, renovation isn’t descriptive enough. They’re completely uprooting the store, and putting the milk and eggs somewhere else. The suits decided that the store needed a facelift, so, they figured that while they were at it, they would give it triple bypass surgery as well.

“Oh, let’s put pretty fences here, a sushi bar here so we can promote ethnic foods and cultural diversity!” (my thought: empty stomach and possible parasitic infection.) Let’s put in a butcher shop and have marinated meats.” (now we’re talking) And we’ll put all the liquor and wine in the far corner so nobody can see it.” (where in the hell is the booze? I’m starting to get the shakes here.)

I think it’s great that people think that change is necessary, but I just don’t. The suits are trying to create an ‘experience.’ I could care less about an ‘experience.’ I want to be in and out as quickly as possible, so I can go back home to sleep off my hangover, and avoid contact with humans. By the way, do you know where they put the milk?

Oh, the decorative art surrounding the fish and meat section is breathtaking, I’d love to spare a minute to take it all in if I wasn’t buried in the discount bin trying to save two bucks on a piece of pork that was about to turn. People, this is how I look at life. And you thought I was a nice guy. Where in the hell is the god damned milk?!

They are throwing the bread sample people in there again, which is good for me, because I love bread. I’ll go up, act like I’m interested in their pitch, and them as individuals, eat my sample, and walk over to the bread bin as if I’m actually going to buy a loaf, just to make them feel better. As soon as they turn around, I dart to the beer aisle, in hopes of finding free samples there. Not so lucky.

After a couple of weeks, I’m able to grasp this change, and merge it with my already existing pathetic routine. I’m still grumpy about it, but who am I to complain, I get to ride around the store in the golf carts they have out front. How nice of them to put those there. Funny, I was feeling a little fatigued. Why is everyone looking at me with contempt? Must be the thirty pack of beer and the cheap pork chop.

Once I complete my ‘experience’ I feel a little better. Sure, it was tough, but, I got what I needed, and made it out with my life, which is a good thing, and you can applaud that. I throw my goods in my car, and go home happy. As I unload the groceries out of the bag and into the fridge, I smile, and tell myself that change is good, and that it was silly of me to frown upon the improvements that the store is trying to make.

At this point I realized something................... I forgot the milk.

I hate people.