FLAME WAR WITH BOSTON COMIC JOHN CURTIN.
What happened is this. The Comedy Studio in Harvard square, a club I perform in semi regularly, has a "kvetch" board, on their website, in which comics post random topics, and sometimes they erupt into personal attacks, which is the case with my latest victim and friend, John Curtin.
Someone was posting about the cancellation of the MTV show "Jackass", and Curtin commented on how he thought that the show was cool, because it featured a five second blurb of a Misfits song. And it began here..........
John:
"P.S. How cool was this show? They got an obscure Misfits track like "Hybrid Moments" on N'sync-era MTv. Fuck yeah..." Please. Maybe, if they played "Cough Cool", I'd be a little more impressed.
Curtin
-punker than thou
Shane:
Dear John and Sam, These are real cute little 'hide by your locker' trivia games you're playing here, but for the love of God, give it up. Talk about what they became. It's laughable. Glenn showed promise, but eventually failed, due to gaining control over a band that was better than he was. He would have been better off in TSOL. Talk about a real band. Like In Flames. Yeah. Listened to "Colony" and "Clayman" twice, to and from the gig tonight. Yeah. I love punk, but I'm in a metal mood right now, and I'm looking to kick some punk ass. Wanna talk metal? You know how to get in touch with me.
Punk Fuckers.
John:
Kinney, I'll put GBH, the Exploited, or Conflict up against any sissy metal band you wanna name. You can take your epic concept albums about Kings and warriors and goblets full of blood and shove them up your well-traveled ass, you leather chaps-wearing freak. King Diamond takes it doggy style from all the chicks in Vixen, that's a fact. i'll pogo my way through your small intestine and slam dance your head into next week, Sally. Don't mess with me.
Curtin
Shane:
Oh, you're tough now, huh? It's good to see you've been looking through Teen Beat to see who actually influenced your current faves, Blink 182, and everyone's favorite walking parody, the Offspring.
When Metal died, it went underground. It got cool. Punk, however, became what shitheads like you listen to. Why don't you pogo your way over to a music theory class, Captain two strings. Punk was created by dumb people with no discipline for dumb people with no friends. Alas, I see that you're a fan.
"You'll never see him, but you will taste the fire upon your tongue."
Poetry.
Uppin the Irons and takin it eez,
-Shaner
John:
"When Metal died, it went underground. It got cool."
You call Pantera suddenly going from a bunch of glam pussies to a fake hardcore/pot advocate band going underground? Please. Fuck Blink 182, I'll put one song by the Dictators up against Megadeth's entire career. Music theory my ass, punk is music for the working class, metal's a jerk off for sissy's who's mamma's made them take piano. Half those idiots should be collecting social security, not stuffing their adult diapered asses into spandex. Punk talks about real life, metal bleats out the same shit about mythical demons and killer robots from the planet Peavy every other fucking week. Listen up, Suzy, Phillip K. Dick and JRR Tolkien aren't the only writers in the world you know. There's a whole fucking world out there. And take off the leather jacket and pants for Christ's sake, it's 1000 fucking degrees out.
Shane:
Hey, fuckface, turn on your TV. Who do you see, a punk band or a metal band? (You probably don't have cable, as you've been unemployed for the past six months. In that case, turn on the radio given to you compliments of Inches magazine for your two year subscription)
"Please."
Not bad for white trash.
"Fuck Blink 182, I'll put one song by the Dictators up against Megadeth's entire carrer."
Well, why don't you head for the cut-out bin and see if you can find one of their songs? If not, maybe you'll run into the bassist in the unemployment line.
"Music theory my ass, punk is music for the working class, metal's a jerk off for sissy's who's mamma's made them take piano."
The WORKING class? Um, excuse me, see above.
"Half those idiots should be collecting social security, not stuffing their adult diapered asses into spandex."
Did you approve of the Sex Pistols reunion, asshole? How about the Vandals?
"Punk talks about real life, metal bleats out the same shit about mythical demons and killer robots from the planet Peavy every other fucking week."
Someone has forgotten that the title "Where eagles dare" is shared by two bands: The Misfits, and Iron Maiden. Advantage: Kinney.
"Phillip K. Dick and JRR Tolkien aren't the only writers in the world you know."
You trying to spread the gospel of Judy Carter?
"There's a whole fucking world out there."
And you'll be my tour leader? John, there's more dust on your unemployed ass than there is on your condom collection. I learned more about the world through metal than I would through punk. I passed social studies by doing a report on Alexander the great, which I had learned from Iron Maiden, who recorded this masterful opus. I learned how to throw shit at people from G.G. Allin. That got me kicked out of current events class.
"And take off the leather jacket and pants for Christ's sake, it's 1000 fucking degrees out."
YES MAAM!
Don't even try, you'll lose.
Fucker.
Rock hard, ride free,
-Shaner
John:
You wanna make fun of me because I lost my job? Whatever. Like spending your day saying shit like "Dude, check out my paradiddle," and trying to figure out what size marching stick feels best up your sphincter could ever be called a "career." When do the latex replica's of Neil Peart's cock arrive?
" I passed social studies by doing a report on Alexander the great, which I had learned from Iron Maiden, who recorded this masterful opus."
It's okay, Shaner, many people lead productive lives withour ever knowing how to read or write. Audio learning is becoming more and more mainstream any day.
"I learned how to throw shit at people from G.G. Allin. That got me kicked out of current events class. "
Too bad you didn't learn how to kill yourself onstage like GG...oh wait, never mind...I've seen your act. You've died a thousand deaths already.
Beat on the brat with a baseball bat
Curtin
Shane:
"You wanna make fun of me because I lost my job? Whatever."
Yes, yes I do. You're a fucking loser.
"Like spending your day saying shit like "Dude, check out my paradiddle," and trying to figure out what size marching stick feels best up your sphincter could ever be called a "career."
Hmmmmm. I do get paid for this, remember.
"When do the latex replica's of Neil Peart's cock arrive?"
They're on back order. Some envious fuck from Medford ordered 'em all. Concert hall!
"It's okay, Shaner, many people lead productive lives withour ever knowing how to read or write. Audio learning is becoming more and more mainstream any day."
Well that's sweet of you John, how do I sign up for your class?
"Too bad you didn't learn how to kill yourself onstage like GG...oh wait, never mind...I've seen your act. You've died a thousand deaths already."
So would be so kind to explain as to why you were unable to follow me? Right. Thought so.
The gods you worship are steel. At the altar of rock n' roll you'll kneel,
Shaner
John:
"So would be so kind to explain as to why you were unable to follow me?"
Maybe because of the Herion-like nod you put the audience in every fucking time you go up? Every club you work should have a defibrulator mounted on the wall that says "In Case Of Shane Kinney, Break Glass."
"I do get paid for this, remember."
So do jizz moppers, shithead. They just don't brag about it. And don't be so worried about MY source of income, Shaner. My comedy calandar's pretty full these days.
"The gods you worship are steel. At the altar of rock n' roll you'll kneel,"
What? Jesus Christ, Kinney. Come out of the land of faeries and sorcerers and live in the real world woth the rest of us. Highlander was a fucking movie, not a how to video. Put the sword down.
Curtin
"Just for You, Here's a Love Song"
-The Damned
shit, wrong quote
Shane:
"Maybe because of the Herion-like nod you put the audience in every fucking time you go up? Every club you work should have a defibrulator mounted on the wall that says "In Case Of Shane Kinney, Break Glass."
Herion? Is this a metal warrior that I'm unaware of? Who's doing your spellcheck......Franzia? You seem to forget your performance in Old Orchard Beach, you buffoon. Oh, the way you knocked yourself dead up there..... it was so cutting edge, so original, so Boston.....
"So do jizz moppers, shithead. They just don't brag about it."
What do you normally tip these guys?
"And don't be so worried about MY source of income, Shaner. My comedy calandar's pretty full these days."
Ahh, speaking of not bragging about anything, ladies and gentlemen, your headliner tonight, this guy brings every club owner off in one fell swoop. John: "Wow, nice place ya got here. Wanna hummer? I'm one hell of an MC!" Your calender should be full. You have plenty of time to book showcase spots.
"What? Jesus Christ, Kinney. Come out of the land of faeries and sorcerers and live in the real world woth the rest of us. Highlander was a fucking movie, not a how to video. Put the sword down."
Well, shit John, you're the one who thinks he's funny. Perhaps you're living in this supposed world. Oh, by the way, nice grammar and spelling, there Kendall Jackson. Is this "John Curtin Flame war as told to Cazz?"
..................................................
The beauty of a band like Iron Maiden is that they captured the best of both worlds, metal and punk. The music was incredibly dynamic and versatile, but not pretentious in the least. It made you go crazy when you heard it, which is what punk did. It gave an education in music, history, and at the same time, it let you get your aggressions out. Click on the link below to see an example of the best of both worlds. Punk energy with skill. So we can't be friends, so be it, but let it be known that the "Devil sends the beast with wrath, because he knows his time is short!"
Shaner
John:
" Oh, the way you knocked yourself dead up there..... it was so cutting edge, so original, so Boston....."
Yeah, sorry it wasn't up to the standards of your grounbreaking "Nissan Nipple" bit. Now that's comedy. I bet you crack the guys up in detox.
"What do you normally tip these guys? "
I try to give you whatever I can, Shane. If you're that strapped for cash, learn a trade.
"Your calender should be full. You have plenty of time to book showcase spots. "
I ain't the one working for free in YOUR home club, bunky.
"Oh, by the way, nice grammar and spelling"
Whatever, dude, I was drunk and high when I wrote that. And I STILL drilled your scrawny ass.
Shaner, it's been a thin slice, but I gotta go pack for my road trip. That's where you travel to comedy clubs and they PAY you. You'll learn about that someday, when you get an act. Give my best to Bruce Dickinson.
Curtin
Shane:
"Yeah, sorry it wasn't up to the standards of your grounbreaking "Nissan Nipple" bit. Now that's comedy. I bet you crack the guys up in detox."
Oh John, my comedy guru, I have so much to learn from you. Detox? You're the one that's hammered!
"I try to give you whatever I can, Shane. If you're that strapped for cash, learn a trade."
Excuse me, fuckface, I have five, count 'em five sources of income, all related to comedy and drumming. You're the one sucking up $50 spots like a first day whore all over the seaboard. You're the one who needs a trade, you lazy pile of shit.
"I ain't the one working for free in YOUR home club, bunky."
Touche. Advantage: Curtin
Ooops! Wait a second, at least I have a home club!!!
hahahahahahahahaha! You whore!
"Whatever, dude, I was drunk and high when I wrote that. And I STILL drilled your scrawny ass."
Spoken like a true highschool dropout. Drilled my scrawny ass? Nice to see that your ego made it through your painful loss.
"Shaner, it's been a thin slice"
Ok, John.
"I gotta go pack for my road trip. That's where you travel to comedy clubs and they PAY you."
Um, John, perhaps you should visit my calendar. Yes, I do work. Agreed, I won't travel to Virginia for fifty bucks a set, that's because I have a brain.
"You'll learn about that someday, when you get an act."
Why don't you lend me your Judy Carter books, so I can learn where you learned to write uninspiring shit.
"Give my best to Bruce Dickinson."
Will do.