Christmas and me don't mix. It's not necessarily Christmas, it's the month of December. It's often said that we have good months and bad, and for me, my friends, that month is December. Every single year, whatever bad karma I've spread in my life comes back and pats me on the back in retribution, as I bend over and prepare to receive the proverbial coals in my stocking.

I'm 28 now; I don't get visits from Santa Claus. It's Karma Claus. No chimney for him to slide down, jolly old Saint Dick just jumps down my throat, takes over and makes sure everything goes wrong. He's really into teaching the art of multitasking, for he's taught me how to drain my bank account and alienate people at the same time. Never take what I'm saying in the twelfth month of the year seriously, it's not me speaking. I've been overtaken by a spiritual cyborg whose sole purpose is to derail the vehicle it's driving, in more ways than one.

I can only be thankful it occurs all at once, because it frees up the rest of the year for enjoyment of life and the celebration of personal growth. But once the turkeys are digested and the snow starts to fly, I prepare for the worst. Two years ago, I wrote about my car losing its brakes and being stranded on Christmas day, unable to get towed. Last year, I locked myself out of my car and was stranded in sub-zero weather, not properly clothed for over an hour, and nearly froze to death. Also, I had four shows on New Years Eve, only to wake up that morning with food poisoning. This year, I'm off to a great start, or a great finish, however you look at it.

became friendly with a guardrail to the tune of nine hundred dollars. A week after that, I got a speeding ticket for a hundred and eighty dollars. What's next?

December is a month for me to get ahead, and I've fallen behind. All the work I've done has caused me to lose money not make it. Now that I've mastered the art of monitoring my finances, I'm able to watch all this on stupid graphs and charts. Now I can no longer estimate my losses, I watch them fall on my tobacco brown monitor like a skeet to the earth. And guess what? I haven't even started shopping yet.

It's a holly jolly Christmas when I'm being controlled by Karma Claus. I'm afraid to leave my house. I could go to the mall, but I'm afraid I'll be hit by a car, or have merchandise planted on me to be framed, or I'll just do something stupid like buying a refrigerator just for the joy of watching two workers trying to fit it in my apartment. Once inside, I'll decide it's too big and have them take it back. (Not before I pour hot water all over the sidewalk to start my favorite show, “Grunts on ice”.)

I really am a do-gooder…I don't think I have evil in me at all, maybe a little cynicism, which was a gift from good 'ol St. Dick a few years back, but I don't see what I've done to deserve this. It's now mid December, and before gifts, I have to dump out forty percent more than I'll earn, all for stuff I didn't want. But with this gift giving, I'll have the joy of generosity. I'll feel better knowing I've made people happy with the gifts bestowed upon them. Their happiness will be my happiness, and it will be an insurance policy for a better 2004. Before this, I have something to do. I have to go find Tiny Tim and kick him square in the balls. It's going to be a good year.