It's eighteen degrees below zero and I just started my car in the nude. Naked as a jaybird, I was determined to penetrate the chill of the most brutal of Maine winters by defying all that is normal (and legal) by warming that car up wearing nothing but a smile. My goal had been set, and I stood to action. I completed my goal, jumped in victory, and began to write. I'm sure people are wondering how I could pull off this incredible task, and I'm prepared to give you the secret. The little magic key, if you will, to surviving this deadly chill in a birthday suit.

It went a little something like this. I spent a lot of time preparing, (read: looking for my keys) and rose from my sofa, looked out the window, focused on my target, and recklessly depressed the button on the finest convenience our technologically advanced society could ever produce: the remote car starter.

The gods of cold and snow can kiss my chapped ass. After years of incessant bitch slapping, I can now fight back. I will not be beaten. God forbid I actually go out and buy a winter jacket…they're just not hip enough for me. I am the most unprepared lackie in Maine in the winter. I own no boots; my winter jacket is leather, which is about as useful as a lambskin condom, and my gloves, well… I don't have any. It's nice to know I'll look cool while sliding down the sidewalk of Congress Street in my Doc Martens. My hand may look like I'm trying to give you a high five, but I'm not. It's just that it will be frozen in the upright position, in some sort of hail Hitler or rigor mortis prank pulled upon yours (frozen) truly by the unrelenting snow gods. It would definitely not be a high five. I probably don't like you anyway.

How can I avoid this deep freeze, you ask? Well the answer is simple. I'm not leaving my house. I'll leave when I have to attend to my obligations. Other than that, I'll plant myself on the couch (there's something new and exciting) or I'll blow cigarette smoke at my computer monitor. (Yet, more new vistas to conquer)

After making this new plan, I've realized something. This itinerary is what I've been adhering to for the last three years. The best part of that is there is no break in period! I don't have to adjust a thing here but myself, and I'm quite good at that. I can bask in the clouds of modern advantage, and exercise by juggling my TV remote, my cable remote, my DVD player remote, my VCR remote, and now, my car starter. For some serious upper bodywork, I can throw empty beer cans at my exercise bike, followed by shaking a towel to clear the dust from said bike.

I'm going to stay warm, dammit. If I have to leave the house, I can beat the odds, and run to the bars. Even if it is forty below with the wind chill factor, I will remain heated by the seven beer factor, which will bring the temp back up to ten above, which is tolerable when you're three sheets to the wind. And if you see me talking to nobody but myself in the most romantic of ways, take a closer look. I'm probably telling my remote starter how beautiful it is, and how I am prepared to spend the rest of eternity with it. Well...maybe for just the winter.