It's getting warm out; my favorite time of year is here. There's nothing like the oppression of winter, which shuts out the opportunity to do many things, like comfortable outdoor activities such as running, walking, or my favorite, looking at girls.

My theory is that the driving conditions are actually more dangerous in May than in March. My reasoning is this: In May, there are plenty of hotties to ogle at. In March, there are snow banks to avoid. I'm focused as a driver in March, while in May; I'm nothing more than a voyeuristic rubberneck behind the wheel of a moving conveyance that has no direction.

Some people gauge the seasons change by which way a groundhog looks, me, I wait for the first sign of cleavage. Take that Punxsutawney Pete, you go back into your hole, and I'll grab my binoculars. The beauty of women mystifies me, and I'm thrilled that belly shirts are still in. I pray that the low cut jeans and high rise tank tops never go out of style, because then I'd probably have to get to know women for who they are, god forbid. These outfits are perfect for the woman with low self-esteem; it gets them all the attention they want, it makes men bang their chests like cavemen, competing for their mate, and most of all, it saves on their laundry expenses. With skimpy outfits, you can do about seven weeks of laundry in one load.

Just yesterday, I saw a girl in a skirt so short, the bottom of her butt cheeks were showing. I had to ask myself; “Did you not get enough hugs as a kid?”

What could possibly possess a girl to walk around a mall with her butt exposed for the whole world to see? I would think it's a result of a lack of attention as a kid, and for that, I say this: Let's not let a good thing die.

All you fathers of the world take a break. Hit the bars. Your lack of parenting skills is making this world a better place to live. For every PTA meeting you skip, that's one more belly button we get to look at. Please, walk out on your families and ruin your homes. It makes for great scenery.

This is why I hate Dr. Phil. He is trying to instill morals and family values into people, and it's working. The more people tune in, the less skin the next generation gets to enjoy. I'm simply looking out for the men of the future here…their hormones are depending on it.

Somebody tell Dr. Phil that proper parenting is overrated. The more familial trauma incurred, the more interesting life becomes. Think about it: life is normal; a girl is brought in to this world to believe in herself, and for every accomplishment, she is rewarded. She takes care of herself and is not promiscuous.

What fun is that? Where is the sense of adventure?

We need to make mistakes in order to learn to do what's right; it just makes for a good life experience. If a girl is hell bent on showing her wares for us men to stare at in order to make her self feel better, then please do. I'm not complaining. And if I ever have a daughter, I'll be sure to tell her I love her, right after I fit her for her parka.