I’ve done my share of hell gigs in my musical career, but one stands out as the funniest.

My high school band Stone Hut was a damn good band, one that I’ll always take pride in. But we were young, and we’d play ANYWHERE without thinking twice. Our singer was a long haired Adonis with the voice of a god. He had so much talent, and the girls ADORED him. He had all the cliché singer moves, hip shaking and high kicks, and no matter how bad the gig, he always gave it his all. Some times a little too much.

A big fan of the band asked us to play her birthday party or something like that, I can’t quite remember, and of course we said yes. Our fee: $50 and food. That’s 12 bucks a piece and a full belly. What enterprising young lads we were.

Her house was the stereotypical white trash trailer with a deck, and an above ground pool. We darted for the food as soon as we got there. I filled my plate with the 4 different macaroni and potato salad variations, and one hot dog, which they were running low on.

Once I completed setting up my drumkit next to the grill, I had come to the conclusion that this gig was going to suck. I already wasn’t feeling so hot, they had put relish in one of the macaroni salads, and it wasn’t sitting too well.

After the second song, I took a break to go poop. What a showman.

When I returned, we reconvened into a ripping set, and there was a bunch of idiots looking at us, as well as two fans, who wouldn’t stop headbanging. I was thrilled with their support, but God, did they look stupid.

Our set really reached a fever pitch when they wheeled this 112 year old guy out of God knows where, and set him at the foot of the stairs of the deck, which was also our stage.

If I remember correctly, his name was Uncle Fred. He had no teeth, and I think he may have been dead. He just blankly stared at Pete, our singer, and Pete brought it upon himself to really get the crowd going, namely Uncle Fred, by dancing like we were playing Wembely Stadium.

I wouldn’t say that Uncle Fred refused to acknowledge Pete’s prescence, I think it was because he was unable to. The guy did not move in his wheelchair.

I honestly don’t remember much else of that gig, I pretty much blacked it out. You can probably imagine why. What really gets me is that by writing this, I’ve been laughing my ass off just thinking about it. Sometimes the worst gigs are the ones you fondly look back on and smile. I know I have.